I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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