It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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