This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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