True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
