i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
