she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Drunk is not a location!
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
