The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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