the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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