Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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