I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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