I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
