I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
