Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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