True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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