Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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