also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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