Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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