I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
how drunk are you?
Several
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
