Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
