I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
