I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Randomize