the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
