well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
