Where is the hickey?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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