My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
