Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
