Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
