oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
