she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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