Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
