saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Randomize
