i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
