my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
