you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
she told me i tasted like america
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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