I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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