eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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