happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
