Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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