apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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