So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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