I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
