I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize