Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
