My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I forgot how hot balto sounded
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
