I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
