I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize