i just wanna soil my oats bro
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The power of my boobs compel you
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
