She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize