I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It's like God shit irony all over that family
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
