and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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