nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
