After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
