It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
