i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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