The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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