idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize